An Unlikely Friendship of First Ladies (Article #116)

“Hello, I am Mrs. Grant” - Julia Dent Grant, widow of Ulysses S. Grant, former Union General and President of the United States.

“I am very glad to meet you. Please come in.”  - Varina Davis, widow of Jefferson Davis, former President of the Confederate States of America.

It was June, 1893 and Mrs. Grant had been staying for a few weeks at Cranston’s-on-the-Hudson, a lodge near the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, New York, when she learned that Mrs. Davis had registered as a guest. The husbands of both women had graduated from West Point, although many years apart, and the widows just happened to visit at the same time.

And so began one of the more remarkable friendships in American history.

Julia Dent Grant circ 1888

Julia Grant had always been a friendly, compassionate person and had been a great help to her husband in both his military career and during his two terms as President. Whenever possible, she was nearby when he was a General and rarely not at his side when he was President. Grant appreciated Julia’s calm personality and her practical advice and, over the years, wrote many touching, and personally revealing, letters to his wife. This is part of an early letter; “You can have little idea of the influence you have over me, Julia, even while far away. If I feel tempted to do anything that I think is not right, I am sure to think, ‘Well now, if Julia saw me, would I do so?’ And only then set my mind.”

As an Army officer on duty away from home early in his career, Grant had the reputation of drinking to excess on occasion. The fact was, he missed the influence of his wife and his drinking ended whenever she was around. The rumors of indulgences, while no longer true, re-surfaced after a rival General exaggerated the situation, implying to the press and to politicians that Grant still had a problem with alcohol. Then, with his appointment by President Lincoln as the Union’s Military Commander in 1864, some newspaper publishers and politicians used the rumors to object to President Lincoln. The President replied (paraphrased) “Find out what kind of whiskey he drinks and send a barrel to all our generals!” Lincoln obviously appreciated Grant’s military strengths and knew the rumors were untrue.

Ulysses and Julia were a very close couple and by all indications had a successful marriage until his death in 1885. She was a long-time resident of New York and Washington DC and, as the wife of one of America’s great military leaders and as a popular former First Lady, Mrs. Grant was welcomed into the societies and the cultural activities in both cities. She also became friends with other First Ladies who were widows of former Presidents Hayes, Garfield, and Cleveland

On the other hand, Varina and Jefferson Davis had a more turbulent marriage with long periods of separation. While Varina enjoyed her time in Washington DC, before the Civil War, during her husband’s tenure as a U.S. Senator, she was opposed to his acceptance as president of the Confederate States. After the Civil War, Jefferson Davis was imprisoned for two years before he was released, but never pardoned. He struggled to find meaningful work and his family largely subsisted through the generosity of wealthy (and dutiful) Southerners who respected Davis. It was not a stark existence, with travel to Europe and nice homes with wait-staffs in Mississippi and Tennessee, but Varina seldom stayed in those homes. Finally, with the successful publication of his two-volume Civil War memoir, and the inheritance of an estate in Mississippi from an admirer, Jefferson Davis was again independently wealthy; but they remained mostly separated.  Varina had spent much of the time in Europe and New York, but returned to his side when he became gravely ill in 1889. She honored his memory by publishing a favorable account of his life after his death that year.  Varina had always been a writer and by 1891 was living in New York and working for publications owned by Joseph Pulitzer, a leading media tycoon of the day.

                                                               Varina Davis circ 1891

Mrs. Grant remembered that, in 1885, Jefferson Davis was asked to contribute to a series of articles in which a Boston newspaper intended to publish derogatory interviews about General (and former President) Grant. At the time, Grant was near death and rushing to complete his memoirs, primarily to provide financial stability for his family. To his credit, Davis refused! He wrote, “General Grant is dying. Instead of seeking to disturb the quiet of his closing hours, I would, if it were in my powers, contribute to the peace of his mind and the comfort of his body.”

Similarly, Varina Davis recalled that, after the Civil War and during her husband’s two-year imprisonment, General Grant encouraged leniency for both Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee. Grant had said, “It would be Mr. Lincoln’s way.” She understood that the improvement in Davis’s conditions while a prisoner and his eventual release were due in no small part to Grant’s generous influence.

So, both women had good reason to respect the other’s husband.

On that June day in 1893, the two ladies went to the main dining area, sat together, and talked for hours. In New York City they would take carriage rides together and regularly would vacation at the same resorts. They were aware that the public was watching their relationship because the newspapers, both North and South, would lavishly report on their meetings; so, they knew they were a symbol that it was time to move on from the animosity of the war. But their friendship was real, not just symbolic, and grew into a warm trusting relationship that lasted until 1902 when Julia Grant passed away. Varina wept openly at the news.

Then, when Varina Davis died in 1906, U.S. Army General Frederick Dent Grant, son of Ulysses and Julia Dent Grant, arranged for a military guard and band to accompany her funeral procession to the railway station in New York to begin her final journey back to Richmond, Virginia. The mourners included both former Union and Confederate soldiers, some in their old uniforms.

While they both readily acknowledged their acquaintance and their time together, neither lady ever wrote of the private conversations they may have had; but we can assume they were respectful. The friendship of these two remarkable women was a small step, but an important one, in the healing process for a nation which had only recently been so violently divided.

Perhaps in our time, with political divisions so polarized, we can learn something from these two ladies. One reached out, and then the other graciously accepted.