Soldiers’ Humor During the Civil War (Article 114)
War is a vicious, dirty, un-nerving, and terrifying experience; however, in the midst of the horror, soldiers have shown us sparks of humanity. We have seen deep friendships develop, unselfish acts of heroism, compassion for a fellow human being who happens to be an enemy, and care for civilians caught in the war. And, some retained their sense of humor, perhaps one of the most under-appreciated aspects of humanity.
These are a few of the humorous episodes and anecdotes from the Civil War. They are not so much jokes, as they are wry and witty responses to their surroundings. Some are well documented, some may not have happened exactly as remembered, and some may be apocryphal and probably didn’t really happen at all - but should have.
"You have no conception of what mosquitoes are down here. They are perfect devils, at first sight I thought they were birds….I'm also favored by a large company of cockroaches….They devour all the provisions I have. They eat my thread, clothes & paper & I think they even tried to devour my needles....I have become so used to them that I can go to sleep while they are performing pedestrian tours up my legs and over my body generally. I may name some of them for they are so familiar."
As the Union forces marched toward Gettysburg to try to halt the Confederate advance into Pennsylvania, the soldiers were ordered to not forage off the land or steal food from local farmers, to help assure the continued loyalty of citizens in the area. Despite those orders, one soldier suddenly ran from his column when he saw a turkey nearby. An officer yelled, “Halt there. Halt I say!” The soldier kept running and shot the turkey – dead! Realizing his predicament with the officer, the soldier yelled, “There, darn ye! I reckon you'll understand now that when the Major says halt, he means halt!"
Once, after Union General Phil Sheridan and his men overtook a Confederate position, he raised a flask of whiskey and in a salute to the Confederates who had retreated to an artillery position on a nearby ridge, yelled out, “Here is to you boys!” The Confederates fired a cannon in his direction and the shell landed nearby, splashing mud all over the General. He paused for a moment and then yelled, “That's %&# ungenerous of you! I shall take those guns for that." And he ordered his men to storm the cannon emplacement, and despite rapid cannon-fire from the Confederates, Sheridan’s men did just that and the enemy hastily retreated, leaving their cannons behind. When he got to the ridge, Sheridan jumped on one of the cannons like a horse, waived his hat in the air and yelled, “We got em, boys!” That must have been quite a sight, and the story should have ended there; however, a nearby Brigadier General wanted to enjoy the moment and he also jumped on a cannon. Big mistake! The cannon he chose had been the last one firing and was still very hot. The General was burned in a vulnerable spot and could not ride his horse for a while.
Confederate General Robert E. Lee was a deeply religious man and did not swear, even in the most dramatic times. And, he expected his other officers to watch their language, at least in his presence. One of his Generals, Henry Wise, was known to be able to string together epithets almost as an artform and occasionally slipped-up in front of General Lee. After one such outburst, Lee told Wise that he needed to control his intemperate language. Wise reportedly said, “General Lee, you certainly play the part of George Washington to perfection, and your whole life is a constant reproach to me. Now, I am perfectly willing that Jackson (General Stonewall Jackson, a very pious man) and yourself shall do the praying for the whole Army of Northern Virginia, but, in Heaven's name, let me do the cussin' for one small brigade” Reportedly, Lee just laughed and said, “Wise, you are incorrigible.”
Once a reporter asked Union General Ulysses Grant which songs were his favorite? Grant said, “I only know two songs, one is Yankee Doodle and the other isn’t.”
Confederate General John Magruder once set up his headquarters at a farmhouse. Hoping to have a nice meal with his senior officers, he directed that a full dinner be served in the dining room using plates and dinner-ware left in the house. The cooks and servers finished preparing the meal and put the food on the table. It was to be a nice, well planned, and elegant meal for the senior officers. The General and his staff were meeting nearby and were notified that the meal was ready and walked toward the house. Unknown to the cooks, the servers, or the General, a Confederate private had entered the house and, assuming the meal was for the farmer’s family, decided to help himself to probably the finest food he had seen for a while. He sat in a chair and started eating. When General Magruder entered the dining room and saw the private at “his” dinner table, he barked, “Do you know whose table this is?” the soldier, not looking up, and with a mouth full said, “No, whose?” Magruder, still not identifying himself said, “General Magruder, the Commander of this department.” Still with a mouthful, the soldier hardly looked up and said, “These being war times, I ain't particular where I eat or who I eat with, so sit down and make yourself at home." The rest of the story is lost in history.
In the Western campaign, a Union officer had the idea of loading mules with explosives to send into the enemy camp. He chose a couple of old animals, loaded then up, and he and another soldier rode out toward the enemy camp with the mules, lugging the explosives, in tow. They then tied their horses and snuck in closer on foot leading the mules by rope. When they were close enough for the mules to smell the horses and mules in the enemy’s camp, which they expected would be a draw for their two mules, they lit the fuses and ran back toward their horses. When they got back in their saddles, they saw the loyal old mules meandering after them. They barely got enough distance between themselves and the trotting mules laden with bombs before the great blast. “Two mules died today” simply read the commander’s daily log.
There is a story that Stonewall Jackson encountered a soldier running from the battle field and yelled, “Boy, why are you running?” The boy yelled back, “Because I can´t fly!”
In another story about Jackson (likely untrue, but insightful), supposedly he gave a quick speech to his troops before battle and ended by saying, “I believe the Yankees we kill today will go to hell!” A soldier turned to his companion and said, “Lord, I hope not, because the General will post you and me at the gates as a sentry to make sure they stay there.”
The drafts were highly unpopular in both the North and the South. One joke was that draft exemptions were only open to “dead men who can establish proof of their demise by two reliable witnesses.”
In battle areas, food was scarce and often barely edible. One soldier wrote home about meat so infested with bugs that “We had to have an extra guard assigned to the food stores just to keep them critters from packing it clear off”. If the biscuits (hardtack) became infested with bugs, the soldiers joked about finally getting some meat.
A general offered, “What is the difference between a soldier who is persistent and one who is obstinate? The first has a strong will and the second a strong won’t.”
One General noted, “There are pretend Patriots who will hold anything but their tongue, keep anything but their word, and lose nothing but their patience.”
One wounded soldier said that when he was home on furlough the local printer said, “I am also a true patriot.” The soldier was not impressed and told the printer, “I am shedding blood for $12 a month, while you are shedding ink at $1,200 a year. No sir, no comparison.”
Once, two stretcher bearers were carrying a soldier to the rear and the soldier was bellowing something awful. Then, when a cannon shot landed nearby, the two bearers dropped the stretcher, and all three men started running for cover, including the “wounded” soldier who actually led the race. After a few steps the stretcher bearers looked at the soldier they had been carrying and one said, “Ain’t God great. He can cure soldiers even before we can get them to the hospital.”
A Captain rides up and notices the General’s horse is lame and asks, “General, is your horse lame?” The General replied, “Not now Captain, but yours is.”
One young Confederate told another soldier, “If I am killed, bury me ten feet down and write my mother that I was a good lad.” “But,” replied the other soldier, “you have not been a good lad.” “I know,” the first soldier answered, “But ma always said I was a good lad deep down, so it wouldn’t be a lie.”
An officer approached a private who was sprawled on the ground said, “Soldier do you have any extra water in your canteen? The boy said, “Yep” and started to reach for the canteen. The officer yelled, “That is no way to speak to an officer! Stand up, salute and let’s try again. Private, do you have any extra water in your canteen?” The private rose, saluted, and said “No,.. Sir!”
After the Confederates fired on Fort Sumter in April 1865, President Lincoln issued a call for volunteers for the Union Army and young men all over the North showed up to enlist for an adventure. There would be no heavy fighting until June, so many of the boys remained close to home, and close to sweethearts, and potential sweethearts. It became a custom for the young ladies to embroider a sash or sleeve band for their dashing soldier, usually with an uplifting or patriotic message. Some simply read, “Come Home Safe” but others were more imaginative. One young lady gave her beau a sash that read, “So Brave, to be willing to fight and accept possible death for our Country.” When he saw the message, the boy thanked her, but asked for a change to, “So Brave, to be willing to fight and accept possible wounds for our Country.” There is no record of how that turned out.
Long after the war ended, a reporter asked an aged former Confederate soldier to give him a sample of the “rebel yell” made famous by charging Confederate troops and a fearful sound to waiting Union soldiers. “I cannot do it here.” said the old soldier, “I would need the hunger, the fear and the other men yelling around me, but mostly impossible with a mouth full of false teeth.”
And finally, President Lincoln had a great wit and a lot has been written about his “yarns” and quick retorts, but I do not believe I have published this one. Lincoln was riding out to see General McClellan, who had built a magnificent army, with Lincoln’s support, but was now stalling and refusing to use it against the Confederates. As they stood on top of a nearby hill and could see the over one hundred thousand soldiers, all of their armaments, and the vast materials needed for such a large force, Lincoln asked his companion, “Hatch, what do you see?” Mr. Hatch replied, “Why Sir, that is the great Army of the Potomac getting ready to fight the rebels.” The President said, “No Hatch, no, that is not. That, my friend, is General McClellan’s bodyguard.” To which Hatch supposedly said while laughing, “Well, Mr. President, then he is very safe!”
Certainly, war is not humorous and Lincoln was cautious about the timing of his use of humor. Lincoln was asked at least twice how he could spin his yarns and stories during such serious times. The first instance he replied, “If I did not laugh, I would surely cry.” After a later similar inquiry he said, “If I could not laugh, I would surely die.”
And, I think he meant it both times.